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Natal Curry Eating Contest – Email to Share

From an email doing the rounds…

Why is Curry so popular?

Indian Butter Chicken Curry

Judge No. 3: "Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain."

Please take time to read this excerpt slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is! They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.

Judge No.3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and so I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal ‘Indians’) that the curry wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted”.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY No. 1 – SEELAN’S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY…

Judge No. 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge No. 2 — Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge No. 3 (Frank) — Holy s##t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.

CHILI No.2 – PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY…

Judge No. 1 — Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.

Judge No. 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge No. 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY No. 3 – SHAMILA’S FAMOUS “BURN DOWN THE GARAGE” CURRY…

Judge No. 1 — Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge No. 2 — A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.

Judge No. 3 — Call 911. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting pissed from all the beer.

CHILI No. 4 – BABOO’S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY…

Judge No. 1 — Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge No. 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge No. 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI No. 5 LALL’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER…

Judge No. 1 — Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge No. 2 — Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement.

Judge No. 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them

CHILI No. 6 – VERISHNEE’S VEGETARIAN VARIETY…

Judge No. 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge No. 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge no. 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to sh!t myself if I fart and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice cream.

CHILI No.7 – SELINA’S “MOTHER-IN-LAW’S-TONGUE” CURRY…

Judge No. 1 — A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge No. 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge No. 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge No. 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing – it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI No. 8 – NAIDOO’S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY…

Judge No. 1 — The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge No. 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge No.3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot curry?

Judge No. 3 – No Report

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